Day 32-- About my husband

Whenever I send my husband mail about the house, and he doesn't respond, I really have to fight the urge to call him. It makes me feel panicked, like he's mad at me. How stupid is that? What can he do? He's already gone. Nothing worse that can happen. So what if he's angry?

I'm more upset because yesterday I called his father to wish him happy birthday. I left a message on the answering machine. I was happy not to talk to anyone. At the same time, I confidently assumed someone-- his mother, someone-- would call me back. Nobody did. Nobody and nothing.

I caught a glimpse of myself on the train and I really looked old and tired. My lower face is showing my age. I looked like an old woman. But I don't feel that way.

Day 26-- sore muscles, assorted thoughts.

Sore today from the 30km race. I'm not fit enough, and I was dehydrated. I finished, but I'm not fit enough. Have some work to do before the marathon in April.

Dream last night about P. Dream he was a prince in the royal house of the country he is from. We were trying to be alone together, to make love, but there were people all around watching us. He explained to me all the different forms of marriage he could make, and there was one he felt ideal for me-- a form which let him marry a commoner, but would allow the children to be legitimate. I told him about the dream, but I didn't tell him about the last part of the dream.

In the last part of the dream, I was suddenly very sad because I realized all these forms of marriage were irrelevant for me, since I couldn't have children. I don't know if the Patte of the dream never knew or didn't remember. Or if he just wanted to make love.

Something in there about how I see him-- something above me? And also my own feelings about marriage-- in line with some of my thoughts. I have so many memories and small objects I've been carrying around with the hope of passing on to my children. But now that there won't be any children, I'm seeing it in a different way.

A friend wrote me to make an appointment, but accused me of not wanting the appointment since she is pregnant, and absolving me if this is the case. I was a little bit offended and astonished. It is true that I distanced myself in her first pregnancy, but that's because she whined the whole time about how she hated being pregnant. It wasn't the pregnancy which bothered me, it was the lack of consideration for my condition, my history. It was the cruelty and poor judgement of using me as a sounding board which made me push her away. I'm trying to decide how to respond. Something like: "I have trouble with small babies, not pregnant women, but thanks for asking."

Do I have friends worth having any more than I have lovers?

I had to write my husband an email today about some administration, and I found myself a little hurt he didn't write back. This is possibly because his father's birthday is coming up tomorrow, and I dread calling him. I dread it because I'm sure they don't want to speak to me any more than I want to speak to them. They want a fertile sweet wife, not me. But I am captured by the ghost of the right thing to do, so I guess I will call anyhow.

day 29-- race day

I'm going to try a long race today. 

I went yesterday to an Art Fair-- the same Art Fair I attended just last year after I found out about my husband's affair. I reflected how much I've changed. I can remember last year being on the way home and pounding the steering wheel and screaming with tears. I enjoyed it.

I somehow have this feeling that if I can be brave and force myself to go out by myself to events I like, this is the way I will meet a true love. Not P., not someone else like Jan.

I keep thinking about this idea of finding someone who is really into me. I had a dream last night about a guy I met during this last Christmas holiday. I liked him, but he just wasn't that into me.

In the dream, there was another woman who he obviously did like, and I could see the difference. He was rubbing her shoulder as he passed and he was just friendly to me. But then later in the dream she was somehow gone and then he was kissing me. 

And it occurred to me that this was always what it was like with Jan. He turned to me because other women (his ideal women) disappointed or rejected him. But I was never his ideal. I wonder if I have it in me to be someone's ideal. One thing is for certain, dream or not, I'm not willing to be anyone's second best again. Not for any reason.

P. may make me feel like his ideal, but as long as he's in the situation now, I can never be anything except second best. And that's not good enough.

Actually, my best and healthiest relationships involved me being first choice. But I always had a taste for trying to convince a guy who couldn't make up his mind. And that hasn't done me any good.

Day 25-- taking care of myself

I've been thinking about my dream all day. And I wanted to call P. to tell him about it. I also wanted to talk to him about my doubts about our relationship. I'm still conscious of the fact that he opened this conversation yesterday. And I don't know if it's a genuine breakthrough, or just more of the same.

I'm still not feeling well, still feeling low energy. I want to say that too.

But when P. called me today, I could hear how stressed he was with everything. All he really needed from me was a little love and attention. So this I gave him. I didn't say any of the other things. I didn't discuss my needs or my insecurities.

Partly I didn't do this because I could hear how crazy busy he is, and I know he's not so good at managing multiple problems at the same time.  It would most likely only annoy him and not get me the results I want.

Partly I didn't do this because I'm starting to be conscious that I somehow use my relationships to try to create these private islands. I did it in my marriage, and thought talking was a substitute for being in harmony. I don't write enough. I seem to feel like I don't think something if I don't have someone with whom I can share it.  And so I'm really trying to think about whether I can write my thoughts down here (or elsewhere) or if I really need a partner to share it with.

In the end, I called a few friends to make contact. 

None of this has anything to do with whether I should want to believe him or should be in contact with him or my doubts about what he said. It's just generally-- I want unconditional love with a partner to exist, and by that I seem to mean something like a perfect partner in crime.

And that doesn't exist. Does it?

Day 25-- More dreams.

Had a dream I told my boss about P. It was so real, I woke up thinking I did it.

Dream I was pregnant, and thought I was due soon, but I was worried, since I didn't feel so pregnant. Suddenly, my water broke, and a baby slipped out. I breastfed him. I called Jan to tell him he had a son, even if he didn't want to speak to me. I was worried the baby would die, since they always did. But I wanted to enjoy whatever time I had. The people I was with were trying to get me to the hospital.

P. called-- this was not a dream-- to ask me for time to straighten out his life a little bit before I made a final decision. He said he couldn't make me any promises because of his commitments to H. right now but that he realized he loved me and wanted a future with me. I wish I could believe he was really capable of making choices on his own. But I don't. Could I ever trust him?

J. is alternately mean and kind since I broke contact. I wonder why I didn't do it long ago. I had to call him last night since our shared cat was ill. He (the cat) is okay. I was stressed, however. 

Day 22-- Starting Over

It's getting more and more difficult to keep from contacting Jan. And it's strange, since it's not because I want to talk to him.

I went out last night with a friend whose divorce has followed a very similar path. As with us, her husband made his mind up long before he left, but waited until there was another woman available so he wouldn't feel too alone. 

Meanwhile, I reached out too much to P. today, and ended up annoyed with myself and disappointed.

I don't even think I love him. I think I just can't stand being by myself. I'm waiting for someone/anyone to fill the gap.

Think about that for a moment. To avoid being alone, I'd rather fight with my ex-husband who I don't really miss, or have contact with my married lover who I don't really love, except as a friend.

Who's the sad one in this relationship? Well? Well?

 

Day 21-- More Dreams

Last night I had a dream I was in France with Jan. It was a kind of vacation. We were getting along okay, and sitting together. But then we were also fighting. It was a group trip, and at a certain moment I was shouting at him in front of other people. I felt he deserved it, but he was angry. There was a bus, and drinks, and a balloon. I got the wrong balloon-- I got a children's balloon. 

I'm anxious and stressy because my new way of breaking off contact with P. actually seems to be working. For the first time in days I haven't heard a word from him. It's the right thing, but dreams are addictive too. I miss having his little messages to look forward to. I miss speaking to him about everything and nothing. I don't miss the stress of being angry because he wouldn't be in touch on the weekend, however. I don't miss that.