I've been thinking about my dream all day. And I wanted to call P. to tell him about it. I also wanted to talk to him about my doubts about our relationship. I'm still conscious of the fact that he opened this conversation yesterday. And I don't know if it's a genuine breakthrough, or just more of the same.
I'm still not feeling well, still feeling low energy. I want to say that too.
But when P. called me today, I could hear how stressed he was with everything. All he really needed from me was a little love and attention. So this I gave him. I didn't say any of the other things. I didn't discuss my needs or my insecurities.
Partly I didn't do this because I could hear how crazy busy he is, and I know he's not so good at managing multiple problems at the same time. It would most likely only annoy him and not get me the results I want.
Partly I didn't do this because I'm starting to be conscious that I somehow use my relationships to try to create these private islands. I did it in my marriage, and thought talking was a substitute for being in harmony. I don't write enough. I seem to feel like I don't think something if I don't have someone with whom I can share it. And so I'm really trying to think about whether I can write my thoughts down here (or elsewhere) or if I really need a partner to share it with.
In the end, I called a few friends to make contact.
None of this has anything to do with whether I should want to believe him or should be in contact with him or my doubts about what he said. It's just generally-- I want unconditional love with a partner to exist, and by that I seem to mean something like a perfect partner in crime.
And that doesn't exist. Does it?
No comments:
Post a Comment
I moderate comments. But I post almost everything not generated by robots.