Day 2-- Some kinds of backsliding are not as obvious as a pie in the face.

I cut Patte off on Facebook. I cut him off on blackberry messenger. I unsubscribed from all of his spotify lists, except one.

There was one very old list of songs in his original language which he made for me. I didn't unsubscribe from that list.

Last night, for the first time in a long time he added several songs to the list. And made a new list, which had enough of "our" songs for me to conclude the list was for me.

So naturally I drank lots of whiskey and made my own list in the hope he would see it too.

And I went to bed drunk. A drunk middle aged woman posting love songs to a married man is such an attractive thing, isn't it?

I unpublished it this morning, although I'll keep it to remind myself of my own foolishness.

Letter to my stupid self:

Listen, if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he would not be posting playlists in the middle of the night while his wife sleeps in the other room. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he would first try to work things out with his wife while being honest with her about their problems. He would come to you when he was free.

You want to read smoke signals into his music choices. You want to hope he's going to choose you. Isn't that selfish? Isn't that stupid? It was one thing to want that when his wife was resolutely pushing him away. But if she isn't doing that anymore, isn't it better for him, his children, his wife if he can work it out? Leave it the fuck alone.

 Besides, it should be blindingly obvious that even these smoke signals are ambivalent. He's *not* about to choose you. Grow up.

Things to do:

• Look at the picture of them together from Christmas on her Facebook
• Imagine how I'm going to feel when he puts his wedding ring back on, because that gesture will come shortly.
• Rinse/Repeat
• Stop drinking whiskey.

(If I was really clever I would cut off the one remaining playlist. But I'm not ready to do that yet.)

Day 1-- Patte

Even before the affair, he & I were too close.

Some of you reading this may get angry, but I feel no real guilt for starting the affair.

(though I question how clever it was. different question.)

His marriage had been sexless for many years, with very little communication.  Her choice.

(I know the conventional wisdom is here, folks, but he had told me that over whiskey one night during a training course long before there was a question of love. We were sharing burdens about our faltering marriages, each by each. No reason to lie.)

I ended it because he was sexually intimate with H. again over the holidays.

Once I found out about it, everything after that point felt like cheating in a way nothing had before. Even emailing him was too much. That would make me guilty.

He never would have begun with me if he had a romantic relationship with his wife. He loves her. That's true.

She pushed him to the point where he very nearly stopped loving her. That's also true.

He loves me. I know this is true too.

But I know his first choice has always been his wife. If he can get his life back with her, I am overjoyed for him. True. He's a great man, and deserves his happiness. A life with me would never have been more than second choice.

And because he is in love with me, does love me deeply, there's no place at all for me in his life. None. For his sake, for my own dignity. I have to walk away completely. Now.

*****

My situation is different, so that naturally sucks. Sucks HARD.

But I'm kind of proud of myself I don't want his life to be a ruin just to make mine a little more bearable.

Wish that made it less painful too.

Alas.