I found out about my husband's affair one day after a long business trip.
After 13 years together, he was leaving for a woman he met in a bar and with whom he had been having an affair for nearly six months. Once I knew what I was looking for, I could easily find pictures of them together on Facebook.
He blames me for not being able to have a normal Dutch life. I am barren. Unable to carry to term. Childless. Infertile. A broken copy machine.
He says he might have been able to live with that, if I had compensated by showing more interest in having the kind of home life he wanted to have. He's never been able to define what that home life is-- he's only been able to say it wasn't any of the things I did.
The woman he met in a bar stopped sleeping with him ten weeks after he left me, so he came back and wanted to try therapy together. During our therapy try, he went to a dating site where he met and wooed Wendy the Wine Girl. I ended the therapy after I found out about her. I still have no idea why he bothered with the therapy.
Our marriage had been largely sexless for a year before he left-- his choice. He told me the stillbirth had ripped me up too much for him to take sexual pleasure from me anymore. He reminded me repeatedly I was never his type.
When I ended the therapy, the therapist sent me an apology letter for being part of the deception unknowingly. Jan complained bitterly I was setting unreasonable demands, and if I could show I could be the woman he wanted, then there would be no Wendy the Wine Girl.
He believes deeply that I deserve everything he's done. He has no pity or remorse.
Showing posts with label sexless marriages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexless marriages. Show all posts
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Day 1-- Patte
Even before the affair, he & I were too close.
Some of you reading this may get angry, but I feel no real guilt for starting the affair.
(though I question how clever it was. different question.)
His marriage had been sexless for many years, with very little communication. Her choice.
(I know the conventional wisdom is here, folks, but he had told me that over whiskey one night during a training course long before there was a question of love. We were sharing burdens about our faltering marriages, each by each. No reason to lie.)
I ended it because he was sexually intimate with H. again over the holidays.
Once I found out about it, everything after that point felt like cheating in a way nothing had before. Even emailing him was too much. That would make me guilty.
He never would have begun with me if he had a romantic relationship with his wife. He loves her. That's true.
She pushed him to the point where he very nearly stopped loving her. That's also true.
He loves me. I know this is true too.
But I know his first choice has always been his wife. If he can get his life back with her, I am overjoyed for him. True. He's a great man, and deserves his happiness. A life with me would never have been more than second choice.
And because he is in love with me, does love me deeply, there's no place at all for me in his life. None. For his sake, for my own dignity. I have to walk away completely. Now.
My situation is different, so that naturally sucks. Sucks HARD.
But I'm kind of proud of myself I don't want his life to be a ruin just to make mine a little more bearable.
Wish that made it less painful too.
Alas.
Some of you reading this may get angry, but I feel no real guilt for starting the affair.
(though I question how clever it was. different question.)
His marriage had been sexless for many years, with very little communication. Her choice.
(I know the conventional wisdom is here, folks, but he had told me that over whiskey one night during a training course long before there was a question of love. We were sharing burdens about our faltering marriages, each by each. No reason to lie.)
I ended it because he was sexually intimate with H. again over the holidays.
Once I found out about it, everything after that point felt like cheating in a way nothing had before. Even emailing him was too much. That would make me guilty.
He never would have begun with me if he had a romantic relationship with his wife. He loves her. That's true.
She pushed him to the point where he very nearly stopped loving her. That's also true.
He loves me. I know this is true too.
But I know his first choice has always been his wife. If he can get his life back with her, I am overjoyed for him. True. He's a great man, and deserves his happiness. A life with me would never have been more than second choice.
And because he is in love with me, does love me deeply, there's no place at all for me in his life. None. For his sake, for my own dignity. I have to walk away completely. Now.
*****
My situation is different, so that naturally sucks. Sucks HARD.
But I'm kind of proud of myself I don't want his life to be a ruin just to make mine a little more bearable.
Wish that made it less painful too.
Alas.
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