Day 26-- sore muscles, assorted thoughts.

Sore today from the 30km race. I'm not fit enough, and I was dehydrated. I finished, but I'm not fit enough. Have some work to do before the marathon in April.

Dream last night about P. Dream he was a prince in the royal house of the country he is from. We were trying to be alone together, to make love, but there were people all around watching us. He explained to me all the different forms of marriage he could make, and there was one he felt ideal for me-- a form which let him marry a commoner, but would allow the children to be legitimate. I told him about the dream, but I didn't tell him about the last part of the dream.

In the last part of the dream, I was suddenly very sad because I realized all these forms of marriage were irrelevant for me, since I couldn't have children. I don't know if the Patte of the dream never knew or didn't remember. Or if he just wanted to make love.

Something in there about how I see him-- something above me? And also my own feelings about marriage-- in line with some of my thoughts. I have so many memories and small objects I've been carrying around with the hope of passing on to my children. But now that there won't be any children, I'm seeing it in a different way.

A friend wrote me to make an appointment, but accused me of not wanting the appointment since she is pregnant, and absolving me if this is the case. I was a little bit offended and astonished. It is true that I distanced myself in her first pregnancy, but that's because she whined the whole time about how she hated being pregnant. It wasn't the pregnancy which bothered me, it was the lack of consideration for my condition, my history. It was the cruelty and poor judgement of using me as a sounding board which made me push her away. I'm trying to decide how to respond. Something like: "I have trouble with small babies, not pregnant women, but thanks for asking."

Do I have friends worth having any more than I have lovers?

I had to write my husband an email today about some administration, and I found myself a little hurt he didn't write back. This is possibly because his father's birthday is coming up tomorrow, and I dread calling him. I dread it because I'm sure they don't want to speak to me any more than I want to speak to them. They want a fertile sweet wife, not me. But I am captured by the ghost of the right thing to do, so I guess I will call anyhow.