Day 20-- Conviction is not much consolation.

I'm still sick. It's Friday night, and I'm lonely.

I'm trying a different approach to cutting contact with Patte. Which is to say I don't contact him. If he contacts me, I'm brief and fond. But I don't reach out to him.

I've been thinking and thinking about it. And I really don't believe he intends to do anything to fix his marriage. It may well improve, especially if H. is determined to bring it back. But he's as incapable of action as a child. I won't see him, but that's for my own sake. Not his. Not an anonymous morality.

If I cut contact cold, it creates drama. Drama keeps me busy with the mess. And the fact is that if I don't feed it, it will shut down by itself. He hasn't got the mental or emotional wherewithal to stick with anything. I kept that relationship going. And if I don't feed it, he'll just drift away. And that's that. Maybe more difficult in some ways, but more honest in others.

This means that for the first time since my divorce, I have to cope-- really cope-- with being alone. Even though P. hasn't been there physically, he had organised my time. I could break my life into moments with him. I could either be preparing to or recovering from seeing him. The time with him always went so quickly, it was hardly worth mentioning.

And all the time I had hoped that the collapse of my marriage was somehow going to be a bad dream. Going to pass away. So I had two fantasies. And now I've just got myself. And nothing but time, and no idea what I can do with the time.

Being alone is bad enough. If  I had some energy then I could think forward to some kind of plan. I always have a plan. But now I'm sick and alone and I've been sick so many days I practically forget what it felt like to feel okay. And that makes the whole thing grind. And I can't run, which makes it all worse too.

Tomorrow I'm having a drink with one friend. Sunday I'm going for a walk with another.

How can I look at these days? My first impulse was to run off to dating sites, so maybe it's good I'm sick. Some down time is probably a most excellent idea.

Clean sheets. Music. Cleaning out the closet. Some kind of focus on the future. How do I do that?