day 29-- race day

I'm going to try a long race today. 

I went yesterday to an Art Fair-- the same Art Fair I attended just last year after I found out about my husband's affair. I reflected how much I've changed. I can remember last year being on the way home and pounding the steering wheel and screaming with tears. I enjoyed it.

I somehow have this feeling that if I can be brave and force myself to go out by myself to events I like, this is the way I will meet a true love. Not P., not someone else like Jan.

I keep thinking about this idea of finding someone who is really into me. I had a dream last night about a guy I met during this last Christmas holiday. I liked him, but he just wasn't that into me.

In the dream, there was another woman who he obviously did like, and I could see the difference. He was rubbing her shoulder as he passed and he was just friendly to me. But then later in the dream she was somehow gone and then he was kissing me. 

And it occurred to me that this was always what it was like with Jan. He turned to me because other women (his ideal women) disappointed or rejected him. But I was never his ideal. I wonder if I have it in me to be someone's ideal. One thing is for certain, dream or not, I'm not willing to be anyone's second best again. Not for any reason.

P. may make me feel like his ideal, but as long as he's in the situation now, I can never be anything except second best. And that's not good enough.

Actually, my best and healthiest relationships involved me being first choice. But I always had a taste for trying to convince a guy who couldn't make up his mind. And that hasn't done me any good.