Day 17-- Strange life

I am in Copenhagen. I haven't been properly on my feet for almost four days.

I've been feverish, lying in bed and making love.

I came here to see if there was any future. I came here to tell P. goodbye. I don't see the first. It's still so difficult to do the second. He's a beautiful man, inside and out. But he's damaged. Even if he wasn't married, he'd be damaged. And I guess I should have learned from my marriage that trying to fix people is a bad business. 

I'm trying not to be angry. He's out right now with a friend, and I'm super conscious this is our second to last night together. But I also know he doesn't feel that, or believe it.

At the beginning of our days together, he was desperate and eager to please. But he's been fey and distant the last few days. And he's used to being alone. 

He and his wife suit each other. 

Last night, I cooked dinner (we've got an apartment here) and after dinner, I cleaned up while he watched television. Suddenly he announced he needed to do something on the visas. He stood up, went to the table and started to work on his computer. At first, I said nothing. Then, 40 minutes in, I asked how long he would be. 

"I have no idea," he replied.

I was flummoxed. "Hours?" I asked. "Minutes?"

"No idea." He ignored me and stared at the screen. 

I cleaned the apartment. I realized I was angry. I said so.

"If I say 20 minutes and it takes 25 you'll be pissy," he said. 

"Fuck you," I said.

Which is the worst thing you can say to him. I don't know why, exactly. He won't discuss it. He's a man of secret hurts, hidden traps. Sometimes I suspect he invents these points. Sometimes I know they're too consistent to be right.

After some talking, he said nobody ever asked him what he was doing or how long he would be. Ever. Or cared when he'd be done.

His childhood was alienation and silence. So's his marriage. H. takes care of him, so she's an improvement on that count. But she leaves him alone.

Isn't it funny? That phrase "leaves him alone" can mean so many things. Positive and negative. Positive in that he has freedom and independence. Negative in that he's the loneliest man alive. And that's the bargain. He's used to it, but he hates it. He doesn't want it, can't imagine differently. If Jan was obsessively controlling, P. is just as afraid of being controlled. Afraid of confrontation. Afraid of what?

Anyhow. Tonight I'm not reacting, and I'll go to bed. If I love him, and if I love him, then I know this is partly a test, and one I can only fail.

If I'm angry he leaves me alone, then I'm dishonest and desperate. I didn't want Jan to control me, and I shouldn't try to control him. And then too what's the point? What's one more night in a doomed relationship more or less?

We aren't going to be Johnny Cash and June Carter. We aren't Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. We're two middle aged people with similar maladies who share a long friendship and a short love affair. He's cheating on his marriage since trying to fix it is tantamount to leaving it. The deal requires not talking about it. The deal requires a lack of change. I'll never really understand it, but I don't need to understand it. It's not my business and even less my problem. 

Good practice for me too. No need to be controlling, and even less to be hysterical.

I just need to end this. And find someone else who doesn't come broken, and with a wife.