I've been spending a lot of time looking at sites about infidelity, affairs, marriages-- and it never seems to add up to any answers. The statistics are poor in quality, and what statistics people believe often seem to reflect more what they want to believe than what is actually true. The best researchers seem to be therapists and counselors, and they're naturally biased towards the effectiveness of their own approach. The sample sizes are poor. Numbers get passed around without much criticism or querying.
I did pull out a couple of interesting (to me) observations.
- Men are more often angry at the woman involved (the WS or even their AP)
- Women are more often angry at the woman involved (this includes both Betrayed Spouses and Affair Partners)
Or are women just inclined to think more, and to try to motivate our actions-- more inclined to see our own responsibility and then evade it by pointing towards the other responsible parties?
I am struck by the hostility and bitterness Betrayed Women heap upon their rivals, while excusing their men.
I am equally struck how much Other Women seem to blame the wife in question, often without knowing more than one side of the story.
There's a web site out there which provides Forum Support for The Other Women, and they have a FAQ section which accumulates answers from these Other Women about common questions.
I thought I'd try putting in my own answers as regards my affair:
I don't have a problem with my weekends. They're full with friends, and I generally have many things to do. Sometimes over the past year I have gotten frustrated that my contact with my AP goes down on the weekends. Sometimes I understand that, and sometimes I don't. Certainly, the recognition that I wanted more from him even during his "home time" is part of what I believe is pushing him back towards his wife. Which is an indirect good thing, I suppose. I'm not a fantasy woman, just a woman.
No. Not unless her husband's actions are putting the wife in danger. There's too much bias for the OW to make the decision if it's a good thing to do or not. Also, there seems to be no real agreement among the therapeutic community about whether telling is good for the marriage if it hasn't already been discovered. Essentially, not my call.
No. Naturally not. There are some people who know there is a question of a relationship, and I came clean with my closest friends as part of breaking off the physical affair. But these things don't flourish in the open. Which says something by itself.
Difficult question. People cheat for different reasons, and if you believe the literature I've read so far, then infidelity in a person's parents is a far greater indicator of the tendency to cheat than is the fact of having cheated once before. I would say it is clear that the partner in question sees it as a valid strategy, even if they say they don't, and as a long term partner you would need to take that into account.
This is tricky. I knew from him, and it was seemingly confirmed by her, that they had not been sexually intimate in years. I believe that, given that I know it from before the affair began. I have always been primarily his friend (as opposed to her friend), but I know her and she has several times said to me that she was uncomfortable with and uninterested in sexuality. I have no idea *why* this is-- she's in the middle of menopause, so I suppose this could be a factor. Anger at him could be a factor.
When they slept together this New Year's break, I broke the physical affair off immediately. Until that moment, I had felt far more guilty about the emotional side of the affair, since she had seemingly made it clear to both of us she was uninterested in sex with him. Once this changed, all bets-- from my point of view-- were off.
Not much. He lives in a different country. Since the physical affair began, our contact became much more frequent. By the end, we talked several times a day-- skype/chat/text/etc. I'd guess we saw each other once a month?
Yes. Certainly. I will say I feel most guilt about the children, and the possible impact on their lives. I tend to think that grownups generally make their own beds, so to speak. I am also troubled by her lack of power in the situation. She chose (against his will, I will note) to give up her career entirely when her children were born, and has not worked since-- some small hobby jobs aside. She's completely dependent on him, and lives very far away from family or community.
Some. Not very much. He's been very unhappy in his marriage, and I've known that since before the relationship began. There are several stories which have been very telling to me. But he does try to be respectful, and keep that window closed. Towards the time of his sexual reconciliation with his wife, he had been thinking more actively about leaving her. In some of those conversations, he shared quite a bit. Certainly more than she'd be comfortable with him sharing.
I like her/don't like her. In many ways we are very much alike. In others, completely different. She's very female in her interests and friendships. She likes charity events, cooking, housekeeping. I like hiking, marathon running, and work. But when we were both young, we would have been good friends. In fact, she reminds me very much of one of my female best friends. I find her a bit stupid, and I think she finds me a bit crazy. Oddly enough, I think she likes me. I'm pretty sure she's encouraged our relationship to develop because she knows her marriage is in trouble, but she generally trusts me to be decent. Which may be foolish, maybe not. I don't think I've been decent.
Before the affair began she asked me once what it was like to have good male friends. I told her that I never developed a kind of friendship like I had with Patte unless I knew he was a family man. Famous last words.
I have been there once, very much against my will. He wanted me to sleep there, as we were taking a trip together the next day-- very early. I refused to even go into their bedroom. I slept on the couch. We did have sex in her house, which is one of the things I am most ashamed of doing. He doesn't seem to be troubled by it. Which troubles me about him and makes me wonder how much hostility is underneath.
I'm fairly sure she knows, at least at some level. I'm not sure she finds the impact it has entirely bad. One of the things I am most ashamed of is that I believe I to some degree kept the marriage going in a dishonest way. If I hadn't suddenly started giving P. what he needed and wanted, I believe he would have confronted her and they would have had the chance to either heal or break their relationship in a good and clean way. They're moving very far away shortly, and she quite recently tried to talk me into moving with them-- she's worried about what P. will do without me there. And she should be worried. I think he's the most lonely person I've ever known, and I think he's very likely able to lose his head with a real affair. (classic midlife crisis territory)
Surely he does. I'm not stupid.
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