Day 4-- Choose Me

For my last two major relationships, I have chosen men who are unavailable, and worked to make them choose me.

Jan, when we met, was at the tail end of a live-in relationship with a woman he did not want to marry, but for whom he felt responsible. We were friends first. I wasn't very attracted to him initially. I was fat and unhappy, recovering from my mother's suicide and in a relationship I didn't want to be in-- a lover who was much more serious than I.

I used Jan as a way to pull myself together and get myself out of the relationship-- initially it seemed a safe way. I can remember I had to push myself into finding him attractive. I had to work to become enough of his type (slimming down, changing my wardrobe) so he would find me attractive.

I wasn't his type at all. His type is a tall, athletic, young brunette-- not terribly pretty or smart, but outgoing and fun. Not me. Not even a little bit. Our sexual relationship grew up *despite* that-- In all our years together, he never let me forget I wasn't his type. I was very very good at making him happy, to which he was vulnerable. (relationship with his mother, etc.) So he chose me.

Our whole marriage ran at a deficit. The whole time.

Once at our happiest moment, he announced I had become his type. I was overjoyed, but looking back, it seems to me it mostly shows that type was still on his mind. Reassuring himself as much as he was praising me.

No wonder he was so angry when I couldn't give him children. Our whole marriage was based on my ability to provide what he wanted in return for his willingness to overlook my "type" failings. When I failed to live up to my end of the bargain, he no longer felt bound by his. Worse, he felt cheated.

Naturally much more complicated than this, but something very close, I guess.

And then Patte-- I remember the moment I realized I was in love with him, or something close. I remember our first kiss. If I'm honest, that first kiss wasn't so amazing. Sex was enthusiastic and athletic, which appealed to me, but it took me months to be able to respond sexually with my own pleasure. It became wonderful once he got comfortable with his own body, but nothing instant.

I was his type, though-- so different than it was with Jan. But I did the same thing. Gave myself a makeover to appeal to him. I'm quite good at sensing cues.

I often come close to calling Patte by my husband's name. I tune him out quite a bit. We've had crises before, but I never stayed upset for long. Was that because I knew it wouldn't last? Am I more upset now because I really care about losing him, or because I feel this time he's chosen someone else over me? (his wife) The other times we nearly broke up it was because he wanted to choose his wife, not because he had done so. Did I panic because I'll miss him, or because I can't stand he might not choose me?

He's very very good looking. He's very good in bed. He's so masculine he doesn't find me unfeminine or threatening. 

On the other hand, he's faithless. He's got major emotional issues (I know-- pot/kettle/black). He's often pompous and silly. He is very very bright, but often chooses not to articulate his intelligence. His thinking is limited by his fear of emotions, which makes him distrust intuition. I would *never* accept how he prioritizes his time, which his wife accepts. (Perhaps why she rejected him sexually for so long? Anger?)

He's beautiful, and a lovely object. But am I really in love with him? Or is he just a good option? A simple prop-- Michael Stipe's "one I love"? 

Or is this sour grapes?

Am I in love with him, or am I in love with what he can and does provide? What he could have provided if we'd ended up together? I felt in love with him at some point, didn't I?

In both cases, these were partly available men who represented challenge. Even if you overlook their relationship status as a factor, they both presented large warning signals. Still, I chased both as though my life depended on it.

Have I always pursued unavailable men? If I look back at my romantic history, there has been some of this, but not (at least) in the same way.

This started after my mother's suicide, I think. Somehow I lost my ability to trust that a man could really be smitten by me. But if I remember my past, my three most important relationships of my youth were all with men who were available, interested, and pursued me as much as I pursued them. 

Did I just lose confidence? Did I start seeing too much value in "converting" men who would not otherwise love me? Is this a way of working out my mother's rejection? 

Do I think at my age I can find a man who will still react that way to me? 

When I was younger, I seriously distrusted men who were attracted to me. I always had trouble feeling they saw me for who I was as a person. Was chasing unavailable men a way of asserting control over a situation? If I made them love me, then they would love what I wanted them to love? What do I want them to love?

I was briefly involved once before with a married man, when I was quite young, was that part of the pattern? I'm not sure. He was in a position of great power over me, and I looked up to him and was quite naive about believing him. Was that the same thing? Or did this pattern really begin after my mother's suicide? And if it did, what does it say?

One thing's for sure, I have a long history of using one man to get over another, and there's generally an overlap. This will be the first time in many many years that I'm really on my own for any length of time. I wish I could feel that as good for me instead of terrifying. 

Did I ever love Patte? If I did, then why did parts of my emotional landscape feel so blank? If I didn't, then why was I so desperate for him at times? How bound up were my emotions for him in my painful divorce and the idea I had he might rescue me from that mess?

I love him now, but that's a choice. Part of how I'm put together is to look at love as a decision, and stick to it. But really? 

I assume time alone will let me more properly evaluate my emotions for a new person. Again, that doesn't make me as enthusiastic as I suppose it should do.

Enough. I need to try to go back to sleep.