Even before the affair, he & I were too close.
Some of you reading this may get angry, but I feel no real guilt for starting the affair.
(though I question how clever it was. different question.)
His marriage had been sexless for many years, with very little communication. Her choice.
(I know the conventional wisdom is here, folks, but he had told me that over whiskey one night during a training course long before there was a question of love. We were sharing burdens about our faltering marriages, each by each. No reason to lie.)
I ended it because he was sexually intimate with H. again over the holidays.
Once I found out about it, everything after that point felt like cheating in a way nothing had before. Even emailing him was too much. That would make me guilty.
He never would have begun with me if he had a romantic relationship with his wife. He loves her. That's true.
She pushed him to the point where he very nearly stopped loving her. That's also true.
He loves me. I know this is true too.
But I know his first choice has always been his wife. If he can get his life back with her, I am overjoyed for him. True. He's a great man, and deserves his happiness. A life with me would never have been more than second choice.
And because he is in love with me, does love me deeply, there's no place at all for me in his life. None. For his sake, for my own dignity. I have to walk away completely. Now.
My situation is different, so that naturally sucks. Sucks HARD.
But I'm kind of proud of myself I don't want his life to be a ruin just to make mine a little more bearable.
Wish that made it less painful too.
Alas.
Some of you reading this may get angry, but I feel no real guilt for starting the affair.
(though I question how clever it was. different question.)
His marriage had been sexless for many years, with very little communication. Her choice.
(I know the conventional wisdom is here, folks, but he had told me that over whiskey one night during a training course long before there was a question of love. We were sharing burdens about our faltering marriages, each by each. No reason to lie.)
I ended it because he was sexually intimate with H. again over the holidays.
Once I found out about it, everything after that point felt like cheating in a way nothing had before. Even emailing him was too much. That would make me guilty.
He never would have begun with me if he had a romantic relationship with his wife. He loves her. That's true.
She pushed him to the point where he very nearly stopped loving her. That's also true.
He loves me. I know this is true too.
But I know his first choice has always been his wife. If he can get his life back with her, I am overjoyed for him. True. He's a great man, and deserves his happiness. A life with me would never have been more than second choice.
And because he is in love with me, does love me deeply, there's no place at all for me in his life. None. For his sake, for my own dignity. I have to walk away completely. Now.
*****
My situation is different, so that naturally sucks. Sucks HARD.
But I'm kind of proud of myself I don't want his life to be a ruin just to make mine a little more bearable.
Wish that made it less painful too.
Alas.
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