Day 12-- I feel so stupid.

For the last days, I've been listening to Patte talk to me on the telephone. I called him back, ran up a huge telephone bill. I heard him tell me in great sobbing tones how much he loved me , and how he couldn't live without me. 

And yesterday, I realized what he wasn't saying. 

He wasn't saying he wanted to make any changes. He wasn't saying he saw any way for us to be together. He wasn't saying he chose me. He wasn't saying I was part of his family, that he would protect me too. He wasn't saying he didn't want to reconcile with his wife (although he did say he didn't enjoy sex with her very much). He didn't say he wasn't going to try to fix things with her.

What he said is he didn't want to lose me. And yeah, well duh. 

And for days I've been hoping and hoping and hearing the things he didn't say and believing this represented some movement. I imagined myself doing what the wise therapist in the book on affairs advised-- give him a reasonable time limit and I imagined he would do it. 

And he won't. He never will. He never ever will. I am not a member of his family. He will not protect my feelings. He will not look out for me. 

This morning I asked him directly the questions he's been avoiding. And at least I do him credit he did not lie. And that's that. 

I am not confident. I am so frightened of losing him. I am not okay. I love him inside and out. He's my best friend.

But. I. Do. Not. Want. This.