Day 18-- Well now that's done: and I'm glad it's over

I'm at Copenhagen airport. Patte has just left for Hong Kong. 

These whole days we managed not to discuss our relationship.

We had one brief conversation in a bar on Saturday. It went like this:

I told him I don't need a conventional relationship, but I do need honesty. I was tossing words away, because he doesn't have it in him to change. He is as closed as a mussel. Broken shut. I'm sorry for him, but no amount of truth will fix him.

Fix either of us?

I'm not sure I have it in me to have a normal relationship. I'm starting to wonder if by trying I'm just doing even less subtle damage to myself. When I think about my marriage, and what marriage is for and how profoundly I failed at having children, I can't say why being married would be good or right for me. Who would want it from me? And why?

And now it's done. And now my life starts. Again.