Day 3-- I will be the pitiless censor of my own mixed intentions

I ran a quarter marathon today. Lifted some fog from my mind.

With clarity comes both forgiveness and treachery.

By 5 km I had convinced myself to call Patte. By 10km I had decided to call him today. Today. Right now.

I wanted to apologize, because I didn't consult him about the decision to go no contact, and he hasn't done anything wrong to me besides be confused.

I wish now I had talked to him more before I came to this. But I didn't. And I'm sitting here now realizing how much I love him, and that if I love him, I should let him go. It hurts me to see the sad and angry songs he's posting on Spotify. I've given up telling myself not to look.

I can't call him. I have nothing to offer. I know he's hurting. I know he's lonely. I know he misses me. The only way I can reach out is musically. I've put together a list of loving but firm goodbye songs. I can't do any more than that. If he finds it, he does. But if I love him, if I really love him, I'll leave him strictly alone.

During the early days of my divorce, he listened patiently to hours of ranting when I had nothing to say. I don't even remember what I said.

He flew in for my birthday. He has hairy earlobes. He looks into the distance when he things, his eyes moving  back and forth to his thoughts. He's rude to his boss and kind to the receptionist. I've never seen him be anything but lovely to anyone with less power than he has. He puts his arm around me when I ask. He lets me spoon with him at night even though he prefers his own cover. He always looks at me like a dog looks at a starving bone. Once, I passed him in the office, and he turned on a dime because I said his name. He does everything too much. He loved me without reserve. He knew how much I needed to hear he loved me and kept telling me even though he hated saying it.

I'd been making him increasingly miserable because he couldn't reconcile my need for a real relationship with his marriage. He loves me. But I'm not the one.

He's married. His wife's the one. And she should be. And if I pretend to love this man at all, then I will not contact him. I will not.