day 5-- I don't know

Am I a terrible person? I miss Patte. I think about him all the time. But I find it too easy to be out of touch.

I have to be honest about something really distasteful. I really am hurt and very angry that he had sex with his wife. I can certainly see the point that it was a complicated relationship to begin with, and I knew that-- it's also certainly predictable that a sexless marriage is not a divorce or separation. But that's all rational.

I feel physically sick at the thought of ever touching him again. I obsess about images of what it looked like, how they did it. How it felt for him. But I also do not want to ask him. I just don't want to know. Perhaps affairs are doomed/destructive for just this reason. No matter what you think you understand, there's betrayal on every side.

I do my best to edit him out of my mind when he goes home to his family, because I can't stand the thought he might again be intimate with H. I do not wish to ask, I don't want to know. I just want him not to exist.
It was easier for me to talk to him when he was in his hotel room, since it felt to me as though a buffer for betrayal had been created.

I really do feel betrayed. Completely betrayed. And my reaction to that betrayal makes it easy to be cold.

Furthermore, I never felt like it was cheating as long as I had something she didn't want. But now that she wants it again, I feel the guilt very strongly. (And yes, I do understand this as rationalization.)

And now he's wounded and heartbroken, and desperate for connection, and I feel badly for him, but not that badly.